Don't mind her, it's the insomnia talking...

As you can probably deduce from the timestamp on this post, I can't sleep... one of the many wonderful side effects of being (as my husband lovingly calls me) a mutant, and having to take a handful of steroids along with some NSAIDs in order to regain the ability to function without doubling over in pain. I'm sure the glare of the computer screen isn't really helping the situation much, but writing is always therapeutic for me. So, here I am.

I was feeling pretty crappy all day, didn't eat breakfast or lunch, and had 6 Ritz crackers and a chicken ranchero soft taco for dinner. Brian, as always, continues to amaze me with how kind, patient and comforting he is. His love really helps sustain me, especially on days like today. I don't deserve him.

Today was tough. Then again, the last 4-5 months have been tough. Between remodeling the house, stresses at work (for both of us), and my crazy mutant health (or lack thereof), life has been challenging to say the least. I started a new medication a month ago, and I can't really tell yet if it's working or not. We'll see. I have another 2 months until my next grueling day at the NIH. There are amazing people that do great work there, but man if that isn't the biggest example of why the government should not be running the healthcare system, I don't know what is. My doctors are wonderful, though, and they do their best to make me feel as little like a guinea pig as possible.

Work is... work. Sometimes I feel like I'm right back where I was a year ago being overworked and undervalued. Sometimes I wonder if I love the idea of my job - all the existential, high-minded Mr.-Smith-Goes-to-Washington-esque ideals I tell myself I'm working to preserve, and the difference I hope I'm making in the world - more than the actual work I do. I really wouldn't mind the daily grind as much if it just seemed like someone appreciated the fact that I am the only one doing 3 jobs and the last one to leave the office almost every day. Sometimes beating your head against a wall starts to get old.

I find it really hard to complain about these kinds of things, though. I know it sounds completely cliche, but ever since I started seriously working with poverty and international development issues, my heart has been broken. It's hard once you have that kind of information not to be constantly, acutely aware that there are very literally people dying around the world for lack of clean water, food, or medicine. There are heroic soldiers fighting overseas that (tragically) are, at best, ignored or forgotten and, at worst, vilified. There are children that have been taken from their homes and doomed to a life of sexual slavery. I could go on and on, but you get the point.

It kind of makes me feel like Solomon (who, if you think about it, had the ultimate high-powered career, money, house...er, palace, lovers, armies, etc.) when he realized that "everything is meaningless, a chasing after the wind."

I think one of the greatest problems in our society today is a lack of perspective. I'm not one of those who think it's immoral to work hard and amass personal wealth. But for goodness' sake, don't complain to me if your Mercedes broke down and you had to get a Ford as a rental car. And please, don't treat the waitstaff like shit just because you feel like you're entitled to be a jerk.

I think there are a lot of people who need to take a deep breath and a step back. I guess it's kind of that "everybody hurts" mentality. When I take the time to put various problems in that bigger-picture context, I find that it helps minimize the crisis factor a bit. I think too often we are so focused on meeting our own needs that we often totally forget the needs of others (myself included).

Life is not about stuff. I'm not always sure what it's about, but I know it's not about stuff.

Well, that was a little deeper than I was expecting it to be, and I'm not sure if all that word vomit was even coherent, but I feel a little better now. I'm going to try to get some much-needed sleep.